A Special Report

Parking lots. What do we know about them? What was under them before they got paved?

WIH: Mr. Lot, thanks for being here.

PL: thanks for having me.

WIH: Which part of the earth did you ruin?

PL: cars gotta park

WIH: well said.

Traffic

WIH: Mr. Post. welcome back.

P: thx

WIH: we understand that you are related to nancy reagan.

P: that's true

WIH: uh so how?

P: i was conceived when nance tried a metal dildo

WIH: gross

P: she didn't just say no

WIH: right

P: now all i do is stand around, high as fuck all day. shouldn't have been born

WIH: the feeling is mutual

P: they hung these traffic lights on me, and a dumb anti-drug message that nobody takes seriously

WIH: i thought that was a joke sign some teenagers attached.

P: nope. ppl actually believe drugs are bad

WIH: whaa?

P: really

WIH: what are your plans for the future?

P: prolly gonna get high, despite this silly sign.

WIH: did you ever think you'd be happier if you just said no?

P: i am a fucking post. cemented to the ground. the fuck else am i supposed to do?

WIH: good point but dude chill. have this

P: inhaleexhale

WIH: inhaleexhale.

P: so that ronald reagan was a real cunt, no?

WIH: just say no to supply-side econ, amirite?

P: laffing so hard.

WIH: oh man i think we gotta take a break

P: til next time

WIH: seeya

jay gee ell

plz welcome geosiph garden leffit

WIH: so i was trying to watch pornography and i accidentally saw yr stupid trailer. dang vawn.

JGL: jean-vaughn

WIH: whatever. it was annoying

JGL: is this an interview?

WIH: not a big fan of those glasses, but i am too lazy to find out if u actually need glasses.

JGL: i do.

WIH: why not contacts?

JGL: not nearly as cool

WIH: How'd yr latest movie do?

JGL: p. well advertised on porn sites

WIH: brilliant

JGL: thank you. very much

WIH: what is next for you?

JGL: imma be an actual porn director some day

WIH: pretty ambitious.

JGL: i am cool enuf

WIH: good interview

JGL: over?

WIH: we think so.

JGL: thanks

WIH: no thank you

Define Success

A Beauty

PSA

Pieces

WIH: Donna, thanks for being here.

D: Thanks for having me.

WIH: We heard that you had a recent run-in with some goons in search of Marvin Gardens.

D: That's true.

WIH: Can you transcribe some of the dialogue that took place?

D: Gladly.

"Welcome to Denny's. How many people?"

"Uh, three, I think, Possibly six."

"Would you like a booth or a table?"

"Whaaa?"

"Sit here."

"Thanks."

"Can I get y'all something to drink?"

"Long island, screwdriver, and a bud light"

"We don't serve alcohol."

"Ok, just water and coffee."

"Are you ready to order food?"

"I need some hash browns. Those come with monopoly pieces, right?"

"...No."

"Nooo? Whaa?"

"No."

"Nooo, they're on the back of the wrapper!"

"Sir, this is a Denny's"

"Denny's, riiiiiight. My bad, Just gimme a large Big Mac and a small McGriddle with plenty of monopoly pieces."

". . ."

"Look, I'll level with you, I really need Marvin Gardens."

"Sir, this is a Denny's"

WIH: Wait, Denny's doesn't serve Monopoly pieces?

Sharp Summer

WIH: Your hair looks pretty good.

PS: Thanks.

WIH: Like you didn't just roll out of bed

PS: Right. I styl'd it

WIH: Do you smoke cigarettes?

PS: I am an athlete

WIH: So

PS: Occasionally, if i am drinking.

WIH: Did you hire someone to style your hair?

PS: next

WIH: Next time you come here, wear a tie please.

PS: My bad

WIH: ::inhale::

WIH: :exhale:

WIH: thanks

WWIGD?

Responsible Smoking

Part 8

Smoking Part Seven

Smoking Part Six

Smoking Part Five

Smoking Part Four

Smoking Part Three

Smoking Part Two

Smoking Part Smart

Smoking Part One

Post Holiday

What follows the holidays?
Wait. That shouldn't have been asked as a question.
What do you think everyone in the states did the week following Independence Day?
Dang, another question. Oh Well.
Moving on.
Did they celebrate just the one day?
Or did they blow shit up for a week.
I got caught shooting bottle rockets at the park last night.
The cop said he has to take me in because I'm older than 17.
I threw wood chips at his face, hoped on my bike and pedaled away.
Little did I know, fireworks are illegal in this state.
And the founding fathers didn't even blow shit up!
I would have known this information earlier; but when I was watching the history  channel all I learned was the reality of pawn shops on Pawn Stars.
I guess all we get to do after the holiday is finish eating the three pounds of grandma's leftover coleslaw.
I just hope I finish it before thanksgiving.

Kane Sugar

WIH: How many hot dogs did you eat?

PK: Wha?

WIH: Hot dogs equal nationalism

PK: Mostly I like to chew on my mouth guard

WIH: Like a dog?

PK: I give up. Two hot dog flavored mouth guards.

WIH: Really?

PK: Yeah

WIH. It is the fourth

PK: of?

WIH: not very patriotic

PK: I come from buffalo

WIH: The fvck does that mean?

PK: I am american.

WIH:   Andyet

PK: Continue

WIH: You dont eat hot dogso

PK: So

WIH: Something about being free to eat

PK: hot dogs?

WIH: fuck no

PK: huh?

WIH: The more hot dogs the better

PK: Yeah

WIH: You are talking with your mouth full

PK: I am free to talk however I want

WIH: pardon?



PK: hot dogs, four hot dogs

WIH: truly american

PK; i tell u what

WIH: you shouldnt talk with your mouth full

PK let's call it five dogs

WHI: grilled?

PK: lol no microwav'd

WIH: go back to new york

Skating Fast

WIH: Mia

ML: That’s Milan

WIH: Mia, how is the golf scene?

ML: A total waste of space.

WIH: Rich people need to play fake sports too.

ML: I guess.

WIH: What is your favorite sport?

ML: Tennis, or curling.

WIH: Correction: What is yr favorite fake sport?

ML: Baseball.

WIH: Right.

ML: How many baseball players know how to ice skate?

WIH: one percent, maybe

ML: Nah, half a percent at most.

WIH: Is baseball in your future?

ML: Maybe when I get fat and out-of-shape.

WIH: Ah hah. Hah. Ha. But. How will you run around the diamond?

ML: The what?

WIH: Y’know, running in a circle and touching a “base” with your foot

ML: Not following.

WIH: You hit a ball with a piece of wood and try to run in a circle as fast as possible.

ML: Am I wearing ice skates?

WIH: Ice skates are optional, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

ML: No deal. I skate so much I can barely walk.

WIH: Also you are drunk.

ML: Irrelevant. I ain’t playing no game that doesn’t involve ice skates.

WIH: I guess you could take up speed skating?

ML: The fuck is that?

WIH: You skate really fast. Faster than your opponent.

ML: Can I check my opponent?

WIH: . . .

WIH: No.

ML: Why bother?

WIH: Well.

ML: Do i score goals?

WIH: Not exactly. The goal is to skate really fast. Faster than your opponent.

ML: Can I check my op---

WIH: No. we went over this. You have to skate fast to win.

ML: Is there a goalie blocking the finish line?

WIH: No.

ML: Is there a puck involved?

WIH: Nah.

ML: Imma go speed skate. Also, my dog is hungry. We have to continue this interview later.

WIH: Thanks, mia.

fire

WIH: You are old.

FW2: Age is just a number.

WIH: That's true, but I saw you in an episode of "Love American Style"

FW2: That's true.

WIH: How many lives does a firework have?

FW2: Typically, one.

WIH: So how are you still here?

FW2: Stunt fireworker.

WIH: So, phony

FW2: Hey I lost friends out there. Cherry bombs down a toilet. I told them not to go for the waterproofing.

WIH: Do you consider yourself a patriot?

FW2: Do I Not Explode?

WIH: Thanks for being here.

Who is Nathan?

WIH: Joey

JC: Joseph

WIH: How many hot dogs does it take to be patriotic?

JC: What is this bullshit?

WIH: Your name is joey chestnut.

JC: My name is joey chestnut.

WIH: We covered that.

JC: Is it a coincidence that my initials are JC?

WIH: JC? What does that mean?

JC: Jesus Christ

WIH: Settle down, we did not mean to upset you

JC: No, jesus christ.

WIH: seriously, you are becoming hostile

JC: Three.

WIH: Whaa?

JC: If you want to be patriotic you have to eat three hot dogs, at least.

WIH: Dunno, one hot dog is enough for me. Two is pushing it, but three?

JC: You are not patriotic?

WIH: This is how you gauge patriotism?

JC: Well you would also have to launch a bottle rocket from your butt.

WIH: What

JC: Did I say butt? I meant hand.

WIH: Or maybe an actual bottle.

JC: That's not very patriotic.

WIH: Thanks for being here.

Flag Envy

WIH: It is so windy.

AF: You're telling me.

WIH: Anyway. What is patriotism?

AF: I can't hear you. It's really windy.

WIH: WHAT. IS. PATRIOTISM?

AF: WHAT?

WIH: What is freedom?

AF: It is really windy. You will have to speak up.

WIH: I refuse.

AF: That's freedom.

WIH: You're just a flag

AF: I am free to be a flag

WIH: america?

AF: America.

And Now You Know

In 1870, the U.S. Congress made Independence Day an unpaid holiday for federal employees

In 1938, Congress changed Independence Day to a paid federal holiday

In Rwanda, July 4 is an official holiday known as Liberation Day, commemorating the end of the 1994 Rwandan Genocide in which the US government also played a role.

Since 1916, Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, Brooklyn, New York City supposedly started as a way to settle a dispute among four immigrants as to who was the most patriotic.

boom

WIH: Thanks for being here.

FW: No thank you.

WIH: You have a message, I understand.

FW: I do.

WIH: Continue.

FW: Hundreds of thousands of my people are blown up every fourth of July.

WIH: Excuse me?

FW: Every fucking year.

WIH: I like the pretty colors.

FW: This is all we are to you? Pretty colors.

WIH: Too deep.

FW: I have an appointment over Navy Pier. Gonna have to cut this interview short.

WIH: Thanks for being here.

cooperation

WIH: Thanks for being here.

SL: Comment vous dites?

WIH: What is independence?

SL: Pouvez-vous répéter la question?

WIH: Do you like fireworks?

SL: bien sûr

WIH: moi aussi

SL: Oui.

WIH: Merci

A Real Interview

WIH: No smoking.

DP: Even cigars?

WIH: Yes

DP: Sigh

WIH: It is a filthy habit.

DP: Do you smoke?

WIH: Yes.

DP: . . .

WIH: I heard you have a new album.

DP: Yes.

WIH: About time. You're not getting any younger.

DP: . . .

WIH: Homework is the best album

DP: Why would someone name an album "Homework?"

WIH: . . .

DP: Amirite?

WIH: Thanks for being here.

Consent

WIH: Gerry thanks for joining us again.

GC: It's jerry, with a j, like a jellyfish. Or a joint, forexample.

WIH: My mistake. Tell us your thoughts on public restrooms.

GC: I avoid them whenever possible.

WIH: Even at work?

GC: Work is an exception. I like the idea of getting paid to poop.

WIH: Me too.

GC: Chyeah.

WIH: Other than that, though?

GC: Yeah public restrooms are disgusting.

WIH: Agreed. Anything else?

GC: Where did that photo come from?

WIH: I googled yr name. and then edited it in photoshop.

GC: No shit?

WIH: Yeah, you are on the internet. Imagine that.

GC: I did not consent to being on the internet.

WIH: LOL we on the internet right now.

GC: Nevertheless.

WIH: Thanks, gerry.

Public Relations

I had to use a public restroom today.
The floor is so sticky.
It sounds like I'm driving in a parking garage.
I can't urinate in the urinal, someone took a dump in it.
Oh boy, now I have to take a dump.
This stall seems nice.
Gosh these doors are sticky.
Great.. Piss on the seat.
Good thing there is.. oh, nope. No toilet paper.
Next stall.
Damn it! Piss again, on the floor too.
Hooray for toilet paper.
Now for the tissue paper.
Who invented this?
What idiot thought, "You know what would protect my ass from disease in a public bathroom?"
"Tissue Paper!"
Better use two sheets.
Gosh is it humid in here. I'm sweating.
Shit i forgot my phone.
At least I can read the walls.
"For a good time call 997-312-4859."
Too bad its out of my area code.
Who wants to travel for a good time.
Damn. Well I can't shit without my phone.
Oh god someone else is in here!
Shit! We just made eye contact.
What idiot invented these walls.
And why haven't they changed them.
Looks like I'll have to stay in here until he leaves.

Hammer Time

WIH: Nik, thanks for being here.

NH: No problem.

WIH: You are known for blocking shots, but do you ever wear leather pants?

NH: I own several pairs of leather pants.

WIH: Best Radio Dept. song?

NH: Where Damage Isn't Already Done, of course.

WIH: Good call.

NH: I have to take my dog for a walk. Can we resume this interview later?

WIH: Maybe.

NH: Welp, seeya later.

WIH: Thanks, nik.

Again With The Pets

WIH: Corey, thanks for being here.

CC: Thanks for having me.

WIH: Sorry about the glove hand joke.

CC: Haters gonna hate.

WIH: Truer words. Love the throwback jersey.

CC: I do, in fact, remember where I came from.

WIH: What are your thoughts on unpaid labor?

CC: Whaa?

WIH: Like, one has to prepare for work, but you don't actually get paid until you show up.

CC: Totally. My job requires a lot of mental preparation. I visualize all of the shots. Don't get paid for that.

WIH: If I made millions of dollars I think I could handle it.

CC: Can we not talk about money?

WIH: Sometimes, when goalies get scored on, the puck is already in the back of the net, and yet, their glove hand flails in a very dramatic fashion.

CC: I know right. Like they *almost* had it.

WIH: Sayin.

CC: Part of the territory. For example, when I do make a glove save I still make it dramatic. It's called showmanship.

WIH: Sigh. So when are you going to father a child? You're not getting any younger.

CC: Gonna have to end this interview. My dog has to pee.

WIH: Thanks corey.

Star(k) Remi(x)

WIH: What is reality?

GC: thirteen mcnuggets and an 8 ball.

WIH: the one that predicts how yr life will turn out?

GC: All signs point to yes. North West, that is.

WIH: thanks, jerry

Flick my Bick

WIH: Bryan, I love the pose, but this isn't a photo-shoot.

BB: Thank god, my knees are really sore.

WIH: I understand you are involved with a pit-bull rescue group?

BB: That's true. They are misunderstood. The temperament of the dog is directly influenced by the owner.

WIH: Agreed. Love the Ice Hogs jersey by the way.

BB: You gotta remember where you came from.

WIH: You have certainly come a long way.

BB: Thanks.

WIH: No, thank you for being here. Anything else?

BB: Get your dog spayed or neutered.

WIH: Sensible advice, enjoy the summer.

BB: Thanks WIH!

Slam Dunc

WIH: We don't allow pets on this blog

DK: Whaa?

WIH: JK we love pets. Speaking of pets, I heard that you fathered a child.

DK: I am currently fathering a child.

WIH: How's that going?

DK: Very well. I felt like I had an obligation to have a child, for the hockey community and society at large.

WIH: What if the child does not like hockey?

DK: Next question.

WIH: Thanks for the hat, BTW.

DK: Snothing

WIH: Pop quiz: Defenceman or defenseman ?

DK: defenceman, obv.

WIH: You are so Canadian.

Tea Time

WIH: Milan! Sorry about the confusion. We didn't know that you didn't know how to use a computer. Which is why we are on the phone now.

ML: Nah it's cool. I hired some guy to teach me.

WIH: Congratulations!

ML: It's a'ight. Been reading some opinions on the internet.

WIH: How'd that go?

ML: To be honest, I feel like some people are wrong on the internet.

WIH: Your responses are so . . . premeditated. As if you were reading from a script.

ML: This interview is over.

WIH: Thanks milan.

Remix

The Spiderbite Post

What is that?

A zit?

Did I get bit?

By a Spider?

Mostly Harmless.

Nature's pest control, you know?

But sometimes they get out of line.

Stark Reality

I'm looking forward to MTV's new reality series, Thirteen and a Virgin.
It will be following this weeks episode of North West: Balling in the Womb.
This week Kim is going to pierce North's right ear.
The three of them have decided on 14k gold for now.

Ring

Proof of Ghost

New Tattoo

So I'm out with a friend; and she decides that she needs to get a new tattoo.
We go to her favorite shop.
Great artist, clean facility.
She tells the artist that she wants a profile of Burt Reynolds on the inside of her thigh.
The artist pulls up a photograph and gets to work.
Three hours later he completes the tattoo.
My friend is livid!
She yells at the artist, "This looks Nothing like Burt Reynolds!"
She storms out of the shop.
After about two blocks I catch up to her.
We talk.
She calms down.
We head back to the shop to see the artist.
She apologizes for her actions.
Makes amends with the artist.
She says, "Can you please try one more time? On the other thigh. Please, Burt Reynolds."
The artist agrees.
He works for six hours this time.
He pays attention to every detail.
After the artist finishes, he feels like this is one for the portfolio, he wipes away the extra ink and cleans it up.
My friend reacts.
"You piece of %#*! artist! You call THIS Burt Reynolds?"
She gets up and leaves before the artist could blink an eye.
She runs down the street a few blocks.
She stops to cry.
She starts to walk again.
Going home would be the best thing to do right now.
She passes a homeless man on the way home.
Still angry she needs a second opinion.
She lifts her skirt and asks the man, "Do either of these tattoos look like Burt Reynolds to you?"
The man replies, "I don't know about the twins; but the one on the middle looks like Willie Nelson."

Q&A with JQ

WIH: Mr. Q, you previously played for the now-defunct Hartford Whalers, correct?

Q: I saw myself on a hockey card once that would indicate that

WIH: Me too. So, Whalers, best logo ever

Q: Of course I can't argue with that, but I thought this interview was about the haw---

WIH: That team should still exist. Why doesn't Connecticut deserve a hockey team? That is where Hartford is, I think

Q: That's correct.

WIH: Joe, thanks for being here.

Google

WIH: JONATH--

JT: That's Mr. Toews

WIH: Of course, our mistake. But is it really necessary to make me skate warm-up laps before the interview?

JT: LOL ur already in teh interview. Get back here and let me see a really sweet hockey stop. Lots of ice shavings and stuff

:::at this point the interviewer falls head first into the halfboards. he/she asked us not to mention that::

WIH: I am going to avoid the obvious joke and not mention your weird surname, but I must ask . . . Why So Serious?

JT: Whaa?

WIH: My joker impression, you heard it

JT: Is this interview o---

WIH: (interrupting) no. sorry about the last one though. there were some corporate restrictions. I had never been in a media room. Too many people.

JT: I know right?

WIH: Yes.

JT: chyea

WIH: Anyway, Mr. Toews, Don't you find it weird that when you type an NHL player's name into a search eng::GOOGLE:: the first suggestion is whether they have a G/F or not?

JT: I do.

WIH: Thanks for being here.

High Seas

WIH: Love your hat.

BS: Thank you

WIH: No thank you for being here

BS: The hat brought me here

WIH: Well, thank you Mr. Hat

BS: Don't talk to the hat.

Hoss

We caught up with Marián Hossa to let him know we found out about accent marks.

WIH: Marián, how important are accent marks to you?

MH: What does this have to do with hockey?

WIH: Don't you miss having an accent mark on your jersey?

MH: I am not sure that I have ever had one

WIH: But you appreciate the effort, no?

MH: Are we talking about jersey nameplates or dialogue?

WIH: Thanks for yóur time.

UPDATE: Marián has informed us that first names don't appear on the back of a hockey jersey.

Deutschland

WIH: Don't laugh this is a serious interview

DS: Es tut mir leid

WIH: What?

DS: Englisch ist nicht meine erste Sprache.

WIH: Not sure what you're saying, but thanks for being with us

DS: kein problem!

SAAD SAID

WIH: Brandon thanks for joining this blog

BS: No thank you

WIH: We love your jersey

BS: Oh, this old thing?

WIH: Oh ha ha ha...How does it feel to have a name that sounds swedish?

BS: Huh?

WIH: Saad. Like SAAB. They make cars.

BS: Ugh

WIH: OK bad joke, but do you ever pretend to be Swedish to up your skills a bit?

BS: Yes. I do.

WIH: Thanks brandon

We Can't Figure Out How To Do Umlauts

We caught MK at some sort of popular event. Our reporter is the one with blue fingernails

DISCLAIMER: WE AT WIH DO NOT ENDORSE COLORED FINGERNAILS

WIH: Marc, thanks for being with us

MK: You are very welcome

WIH: Is it wierd to not have the umlaut on your jersey?

MK: Not really. Just to let you know, you spelled weird wrong

WIH: Thanks marc

DK

Dunc (we call him that) sent us a hat and wished us well

Stalling

WIH: Mr. Stalberg, how do you skate so fast?

VS: Who let you in here?

So Sharp Part Two

sorry i got lost in your eyes

Is this interview over?

So Sharp

WIH: May I comb your hair?

PS: Sure.

WIH: It's really messy

PS: I know, I just rolled out of bed

WIH: You really should take better care of your hair

PS: Sorry.

WIH: You are so Canadian.