Pieces

WIH: Donna, thanks for being here.

D: Thanks for having me.

WIH: We heard that you had a recent run-in with some goons in search of Marvin Gardens.

D: That's true.

WIH: Can you transcribe some of the dialogue that took place?

D: Gladly.

"Welcome to Denny's. How many people?"

"Uh, three, I think, Possibly six."

"Would you like a booth or a table?"

"Whaaa?"

"Sit here."

"Thanks."

"Can I get y'all something to drink?"

"Long island, screwdriver, and a bud light"

"We don't serve alcohol."

"Ok, just water and coffee."

"Are you ready to order food?"

"I need some hash browns. Those come with monopoly pieces, right?"

"...No."

"Nooo? Whaa?"

"No."

"Nooo, they're on the back of the wrapper!"

"Sir, this is a Denny's"

"Denny's, riiiiiight. My bad, Just gimme a large Big Mac and a small McGriddle with plenty of monopoly pieces."

". . ."

"Look, I'll level with you, I really need Marvin Gardens."

"Sir, this is a Denny's"

WIH: Wait, Denny's doesn't serve Monopoly pieces?

Sharp Summer

WIH: Your hair looks pretty good.

PS: Thanks.

WIH: Like you didn't just roll out of bed

PS: Right. I styl'd it

WIH: Do you smoke cigarettes?

PS: I am an athlete

WIH: So

PS: Occasionally, if i am drinking.

WIH: Did you hire someone to style your hair?

PS: next

WIH: Next time you come here, wear a tie please.

PS: My bad

WIH: ::inhale::

WIH: :exhale:

WIH: thanks

WWIGD?

Responsible Smoking

Part 8

Smoking Part Seven

Smoking Part Six

Smoking Part Five

Smoking Part Four

Smoking Part Three

Smoking Part Two

Smoking Part Smart

Smoking Part One

Post Holiday

What follows the holidays?
Wait. That shouldn't have been asked as a question.
What do you think everyone in the states did the week following Independence Day?
Dang, another question. Oh Well.
Moving on.
Did they celebrate just the one day?
Or did they blow shit up for a week.
I got caught shooting bottle rockets at the park last night.
The cop said he has to take me in because I'm older than 17.
I threw wood chips at his face, hoped on my bike and pedaled away.
Little did I know, fireworks are illegal in this state.
And the founding fathers didn't even blow shit up!
I would have known this information earlier; but when I was watching the history  channel all I learned was the reality of pawn shops on Pawn Stars.
I guess all we get to do after the holiday is finish eating the three pounds of grandma's leftover coleslaw.
I just hope I finish it before thanksgiving.

Kane Sugar

WIH: How many hot dogs did you eat?

PK: Wha?

WIH: Hot dogs equal nationalism

PK: Mostly I like to chew on my mouth guard

WIH: Like a dog?

PK: I give up. Two hot dog flavored mouth guards.

WIH: Really?

PK: Yeah

WIH. It is the fourth

PK: of?

WIH: not very patriotic

PK: I come from buffalo

WIH: The fvck does that mean?

PK: I am american.

WIH:   Andyet

PK: Continue

WIH: You dont eat hot dogso

PK: So

WIH: Something about being free to eat

PK: hot dogs?

WIH: fuck no

PK: huh?

WIH: The more hot dogs the better

PK: Yeah

WIH: You are talking with your mouth full

PK: I am free to talk however I want

WIH: pardon?



PK: hot dogs, four hot dogs

WIH: truly american

PK; i tell u what

WIH: you shouldnt talk with your mouth full

PK let's call it five dogs

WHI: grilled?

PK: lol no microwav'd

WIH: go back to new york

Skating Fast

WIH: Mia

ML: That’s Milan

WIH: Mia, how is the golf scene?

ML: A total waste of space.

WIH: Rich people need to play fake sports too.

ML: I guess.

WIH: What is your favorite sport?

ML: Tennis, or curling.

WIH: Correction: What is yr favorite fake sport?

ML: Baseball.

WIH: Right.

ML: How many baseball players know how to ice skate?

WIH: one percent, maybe

ML: Nah, half a percent at most.

WIH: Is baseball in your future?

ML: Maybe when I get fat and out-of-shape.

WIH: Ah hah. Hah. Ha. But. How will you run around the diamond?

ML: The what?

WIH: Y’know, running in a circle and touching a “base” with your foot

ML: Not following.

WIH: You hit a ball with a piece of wood and try to run in a circle as fast as possible.

ML: Am I wearing ice skates?

WIH: Ice skates are optional, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

ML: No deal. I skate so much I can barely walk.

WIH: Also you are drunk.

ML: Irrelevant. I ain’t playing no game that doesn’t involve ice skates.

WIH: I guess you could take up speed skating?

ML: The fuck is that?

WIH: You skate really fast. Faster than your opponent.

ML: Can I check my opponent?

WIH: . . .

WIH: No.

ML: Why bother?

WIH: Well.

ML: Do i score goals?

WIH: Not exactly. The goal is to skate really fast. Faster than your opponent.

ML: Can I check my op---

WIH: No. we went over this. You have to skate fast to win.

ML: Is there a goalie blocking the finish line?

WIH: No.

ML: Is there a puck involved?

WIH: Nah.

ML: Imma go speed skate. Also, my dog is hungry. We have to continue this interview later.

WIH: Thanks, mia.

fire

WIH: You are old.

FW2: Age is just a number.

WIH: That's true, but I saw you in an episode of "Love American Style"

FW2: That's true.

WIH: How many lives does a firework have?

FW2: Typically, one.

WIH: So how are you still here?

FW2: Stunt fireworker.

WIH: So, phony

FW2: Hey I lost friends out there. Cherry bombs down a toilet. I told them not to go for the waterproofing.

WIH: Do you consider yourself a patriot?

FW2: Do I Not Explode?

WIH: Thanks for being here.

Who is Nathan?

WIH: Joey

JC: Joseph

WIH: How many hot dogs does it take to be patriotic?

JC: What is this bullshit?

WIH: Your name is joey chestnut.

JC: My name is joey chestnut.

WIH: We covered that.

JC: Is it a coincidence that my initials are JC?

WIH: JC? What does that mean?

JC: Jesus Christ

WIH: Settle down, we did not mean to upset you

JC: No, jesus christ.

WIH: seriously, you are becoming hostile

JC: Three.

WIH: Whaa?

JC: If you want to be patriotic you have to eat three hot dogs, at least.

WIH: Dunno, one hot dog is enough for me. Two is pushing it, but three?

JC: You are not patriotic?

WIH: This is how you gauge patriotism?

JC: Well you would also have to launch a bottle rocket from your butt.

WIH: What

JC: Did I say butt? I meant hand.

WIH: Or maybe an actual bottle.

JC: That's not very patriotic.

WIH: Thanks for being here.

Flag Envy

WIH: It is so windy.

AF: You're telling me.

WIH: Anyway. What is patriotism?

AF: I can't hear you. It's really windy.

WIH: WHAT. IS. PATRIOTISM?

AF: WHAT?

WIH: What is freedom?

AF: It is really windy. You will have to speak up.

WIH: I refuse.

AF: That's freedom.

WIH: You're just a flag

AF: I am free to be a flag

WIH: america?

AF: America.

And Now You Know

In 1870, the U.S. Congress made Independence Day an unpaid holiday for federal employees

In 1938, Congress changed Independence Day to a paid federal holiday

In Rwanda, July 4 is an official holiday known as Liberation Day, commemorating the end of the 1994 Rwandan Genocide in which the US government also played a role.

Since 1916, Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, Brooklyn, New York City supposedly started as a way to settle a dispute among four immigrants as to who was the most patriotic.

boom

WIH: Thanks for being here.

FW: No thank you.

WIH: You have a message, I understand.

FW: I do.

WIH: Continue.

FW: Hundreds of thousands of my people are blown up every fourth of July.

WIH: Excuse me?

FW: Every fucking year.

WIH: I like the pretty colors.

FW: This is all we are to you? Pretty colors.

WIH: Too deep.

FW: I have an appointment over Navy Pier. Gonna have to cut this interview short.

WIH: Thanks for being here.

cooperation

WIH: Thanks for being here.

SL: Comment vous dites?

WIH: What is independence?

SL: Pouvez-vous répéter la question?

WIH: Do you like fireworks?

SL: bien sûr

WIH: moi aussi

SL: Oui.

WIH: Merci

A Real Interview

WIH: No smoking.

DP: Even cigars?

WIH: Yes

DP: Sigh

WIH: It is a filthy habit.

DP: Do you smoke?

WIH: Yes.

DP: . . .

WIH: I heard you have a new album.

DP: Yes.

WIH: About time. You're not getting any younger.

DP: . . .

WIH: Homework is the best album

DP: Why would someone name an album "Homework?"

WIH: . . .

DP: Amirite?

WIH: Thanks for being here.

Consent

WIH: Gerry thanks for joining us again.

GC: It's jerry, with a j, like a jellyfish. Or a joint, forexample.

WIH: My mistake. Tell us your thoughts on public restrooms.

GC: I avoid them whenever possible.

WIH: Even at work?

GC: Work is an exception. I like the idea of getting paid to poop.

WIH: Me too.

GC: Chyeah.

WIH: Other than that, though?

GC: Yeah public restrooms are disgusting.

WIH: Agreed. Anything else?

GC: Where did that photo come from?

WIH: I googled yr name. and then edited it in photoshop.

GC: No shit?

WIH: Yeah, you are on the internet. Imagine that.

GC: I did not consent to being on the internet.

WIH: LOL we on the internet right now.

GC: Nevertheless.

WIH: Thanks, gerry.